Dear Derek: don't email me

Hey Brian,
Dont know if you received my message last evening, but I did speak with Mark yesterday afternoon. He is a really nice guy... We discussed forwarding him my updated resume with the understanding that it may be some time before he can move it toward the HR team at AHA. I also let him know I am moving to Seattle at least for the near term.

Just thought you might be interested in knowing his status.

Derek

Hi Derek,
Glad you noticed Mark is a nice guy. I forgot to tell him about how you write long, meaningless emails.

Hey Brian, Hope the week is off to a good start. I'm being blinded by sunshine on my monitor right now, so it looks like I will have to get out in it soon.

Just curious if you have heard any updates on the whereabouts of Mark. I received a voice message from him late Fri. afternoon, but with a busy weekend wasn't able to get back to him until yesterday with a couple of emails. I followed up with a call to his cell this morning. I hope to connect with him when possible.

In his message he mentioned he may be in Oregon just a couple of days and then back to MT. Have you heard if he hit the road again? I know its a topsy-turvey time for him right now.

Thanks,
Derek

Hi Derek,
I wasn’t able to make it all the way through your email because . . . as usual, it's boring as hell.


Hey Brian,
Hope your week is off to a good start.

Just checking in if you've heard directly if Mark is back at AHA!? I sent him a follow up last week, but so far haven't heard anything back. Since I haven't heard from him, I'm betting he is still back in Montana, or wherever care is being given to his dad.

Just thought I would check in with you in case you have any inside scoop you can share.

Also, looks like I will be through PDX either Wed. or Thurs. afternoon, but timing will likely be tight. I can let you know if that changes.

Hope all is well. Talk to you soon.
Derek

Hi Derek,
Glad you sent Mark an email. I’m sure he’ll be just as uninterested as I am.

On Tue, Nov 22, 2011 at 9:35 AM, Derek wrote:

I would like to pick your brain sometime soon. I will be heading through Portland the weekend following the Civil War game. Let's get together for a holiday brew because it's likely I'll spend the following two weeks at the coast. I expect I will be in the midst of moving between Christmas & New Years.

Talk to you soon.
Derek

Hi Derek,
Please pick someone else’s brain.



Hey Brian,
I'm sure you have already cut out for the long weekend but just wanted to send along Happy Thanksgiving wishes for the weekend. I'm suspect you will probably spend it between your parents house, your house, and wherever.

I will be staying put with a quiet Thanksgiving here in Salem. My mom couldn't make it due to weather, but my sister and nieces should be able to have a nice dinner at their house tomorrow.

Have a great one.
Derek


Hi Derek,
Glad you have a mother blah blah blah blah blah.


Hey Brian,
just thought Id check in with you quickly.
I get paid from Jason tonight. Good news. I can have beers during the Ducks game this weekend. I hope he can keep the work coming because I can use it, but nothing is on the horizon for now.

Keep me posted. Talk to you soon.
Derek

Hi Derek,
I see you have nothing new to say.


Hey Brian,
Maybe you can shed some insight. Jason's company is very hard to gauge. For reasons I don't know, I don't have the warm fuzzy feeling that seemed prospective at first. Hopefully its because the crap economy is just stressing everyone and making everyone weird, but I have noted a certain standoffishness from them that I cant place. Time will tell, but right now I have real concerns because I've had these sudden weird communications blackouts with other contract arrangement too. They really like the work, but I don't hear from them again....

Its probably best to drop it for the day. I’ll go running and will at least feel good about that.

Lets connect tomorrow depending on how your day stacks up. Mine is pretty ooooppppeeennn...

Have a good one.
Derek

Hi Derek,
You should look into joining a cult.


Hey Brian - Just checking in if you caught my note about Mark's dad?

All is well in your orbit?
Derek

Hi Derek,
Ehlsj fiehsl bijelijl bljsie. Dkjir939kjfd fdklj)_*&9 dj. My stapler wrote that.

Hey Brian,
I have a theory. Jason’s agency kind of remind me of WaggEd in that it seems they've put a process in place and it takes precedent over the personnel, regardless of their skills and talents. But when something is working to keep your business thriving, you take advantage of it.

In any case, I’m looking forward to my conversation with Jason today. It is about the only thing on my sched besides lunch with my sister at Applebees (they feed me for free today!). I already know there will be no specific commitments during my call with Jason, but I just want to keep the communication open and relationship solid. I really do see promise in what he's got going - and I've seen a lot of operations....

That's it for now. Might check in with you later after chatting with Jason.

And I am flaunting my green & yellow today...Go Ducks!!


Hi Derek,
You should join the Applebee’s family.


Hey Brian,
I need to wrap up some prospecting work - though with the exception of Jason at Speak, I rarely hear anything back. Its a glorious world out there.

Don't know if I told you, but Jason and I are scheduled to speak tomorrow, which is good. Just a check in, but I just want to let him know I appreciate working with his firm and to feel free to send along any work he can...also want to chat with him briefly about my move - I'm leaning to return to Seattle, but if he thought there was a blooming future at Speak, I would definitely rethink that. I'll feel all of that out as the conversation goes along. They noted they liked what I produced on my first project for them.

Oh yeah, do you know anyone at Babcock & Jenkins (Beaverton)? Just applied for a Sr. Copywriter position there. Just thought I'd ask. I doubt it since I've never heard you mention anything about them before.

Get to go to my favorite watering hole. Maybe only a month or so left of that routine.

Now back to work....

Dear Derek,
i have an idea. go to google and search: "free, unlimited porn."

Mark's situation does sound scary. I don't know if I would have figured that out with my limited health/medical background, though in my condition I would hope I would be able to get myself through it. Keep me posted.

My laptop is okay. I spilled barely spilled coffee on the edge of the keyboard the other morning and somehow frizzed my apostrophe. I can get around it. I'm cagey.

I'm all out of Halloween candy myself. But I did enjoy making goo goo eyes with a cutie while at coffee this morning, if that counts for anything. I guess I tend to be a graham crackers kind of guy these days.

Okay, I'm sure you have work to get through, so will leave you alone. And yes, Mr. Paternal apparently closed himself off of his conscience to the machine. We all need to sell, but at some point when faced with something so emotionally/mentally searing, you've got to realize you are not who you are anymore. And from what I tell, now he gets to live with it.

Okay, out.
Derek

Dear Derek,
You know how painful it is while sitting with swollen inflamed hemorrhoids? That's how i imagine my eyeballs would feel if i actually read your email.


Hey Brian,
Just thought I'd check in early before the day gets too busy whether you think you want to try to connect for a beverage late this afternoon. Turns out I'm meeting Tony at Widmer in NE at 1:30 p.m. to turn over the copies of the annual report he ordered. Awesome!

After that I'm going to hop over to downtown to pick up my KINK prize and could meet either at Lucky Lab or 185th McMenamin's. I'm curious if 5:30 p.m. is still the earliest you could meet?

Also, I contacted Mark yesterday afternoon and received a note back from him when I cracked my email this morning. Real nice guy. We're going to stay in touch and possibly have a conversation when the opportunity arises.

That's it for now. Much to plow through before hitting the road this afternoon. Keep me posted on your preferences/plan.
Derek

Dear Derek,
Your emails to me kind of remind me of sticking hot coals up my nostrils.


Hey Brian,
On my walk over to my expansive offices at the library, it occurred to me that if we do connect, maybe the Bridgeport Brewpub at Bridgeport Village could be an option? On the same trip up there next week I'm going to pick up my KINK prize (two $25 vouchers at Bridgeport). I could buy you a beer on them if we met there. One catch though - I would be driving into downtown, then back out to Bridgeport to meet, then back toward 26 on my trek to the coast. But if not then, we could meet there another time.

I have it down on my to dos to send a note to Mark this afternoon. Probably soon, in fact. Heard from Speak again this morning and they're waiting on the client's (Sage) feedback for any possible tweaks before recommending I invoice. Hopefully it will be fairly stet and new work would roll in next week...

Good day to get out and play hoops. I'm somewhat envious, but when the last time I played hoops, my body hurt! Of course, I went out running and cramped up a calf muscle to the point of having to drop off last evening just as I was getting to know a cutie in the running club...hopefully she'll be there next week...I'm pretty sure I will!

That's it for now. Have a great afternoon. I'll keep you posted.
Derek


Dear Derek,
Sorry about the syphilis.


I imagine you'll likely be out the door before receiving this. No rush.

I just forwarded my app package for the aha position, so I'll follow up with Mark tomorrow. Truth is, if Jason's firm kept funneling work my way and the relationship continued to develop, that would be fine with me. There's a lot I like about Speak's approach to their niche.

Okay. Have a great evening. I gotta get running myself. Literally.

And when you have a minute, let me know if a beer might be possible early next week....


Dear Derek,
usually I don’t know what you’re talking about and this is one of those times when it’s no different.


Hey! I just heard from Jason's team about an initial project. That's very cool!

I'll keep you posted on Thurs. I fully understand the timing of your work exodus and commute. I have a feeling 5:30 may be a little late for me, but let's see what develops. I don't even know for sure if I'll be heading through on Thurs.

In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on all fronts. Have a great evening.

Dear Derek,
Your email made me want to drink the inside of a lava lamp.

Hey Brian,
Hope your week is off to a good start. Mine is a little slow but I've become so accustomed to this pace it's like its own state of being. However, I did hear back from Jason yesterday and have received a couple of inquiries, so I'm going to consider that positive territory.

Anyhow, that's just after lunch ramblin' for now.... just curious what your late Thurs. afternoon might look like? I'm now seriously considering heading through pdx on Thurs. for a variety of reasons that make the weekend a little more economical & efficient.

If that turns out to be the case, just curious if you would have time for a late afternoon bev - possibly around 4:30 - 5 p.m.?

Dear Derek,
I think that was the most uninteresting email I’ve ever received. It also might’ve been the most boring ever written.

Hey Brian,
I'm hoping to have a quick call with you this weekend. I'd like to make it to Portland, but I don't think that will be the case. But will you be available for a call?

Thanks,
Derek

Dear Derek,
Don’t call. I’ll be doing really busy stuff no matter what time you decide to call me.


Hey Brian - just thought I'd report in advance that I just learned that I won one of those KINK Community contests for 2 free passes to any upcoming Bing Lounge performance and....two $25 vouchers to the Bridgeport Brewpub...how's that for a day's work? Hell, I think that's pretty good! Thinka how much beer that is, even if it turns out I'm my own date!

Just thought I'd share... been spending the afternoon reviewing some of the materials Jason provided during our meeting. The materials seem pretty straightforward for the most part, especially considering they are B2B marketing/communications in a traditional trade industry. I'll probably spend some additional time reviewing tomorrow too.

That's it. Just trying to create some jealousy when I hold Derek's "on fire" date night in pdx and you're not on the call list...

Have a great evening!
Derek

Dear Derek,
You should look into hiring a hooker.

I just sent Jason a quick follow up thank you, etc. We had a pretty casual conversation so I didn't go overly formal in my follow up. He did ask some good questions during our discussion though, so I did understand what you were saying in regard to his methodical approach. He came across as a fairly laid back, but pretty sharp business person to me. I can keep you posted if anything develops.

That's it for now. Among other pressing matters, I need to get started on a serious housing hunt since I'm ready to go and am supposed to be out of my place by Nov. 1. I don't like to do that job with my back to the wall. We'll see how things fall into place.

Dear Derek,
You know how you offer to “keep me posted” on what’s going on? Don’t do that.


Hey Brian - I'm hopefully scheduling a 2 p.m. meeting with Jason tomorrow afternoon. What does your sched look like in the 4 p.m. timeframe? I'd enjoy connecting over a bev. The weather is supposed to be great!

Have a good one.
Derek

Dear Derek,
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Hey Brian, no urgency but when you have a spare, bored minute could you send a quick reply to this new gmail address I created for biz and increased privacy purposes. Just want to make sure I'm okey-dokey.

Have a good one.

Thanks,
Derek

Dear Derek,
Congrats on creating a new email address! You should start emailing yourself.

Hey Brian - I just followed up with Jason again for a prospective meeting later this week. I finally returned to the valley late yesterday afternoon and am busy catching up on things.

If Jason & I schedule a meeting either Thurs. or Fri. are you around? I think we should try to get together if possible since it has been awhile..

Let me know if you're up for it.

Thanks,
Derek

Hi Derek,
You were “busy catching up on things”? WTF? Wait, don’t answer that.


Hey Brian,
Looks like Jason and I may try to reschedule later in the week when the dog isn't a factor and I'll have access to my full book - don't have it down here at the coast. I need to actually place the order for the RQ annual report as soon as I return to Salem, so could be delivering it as soon as Thurs. or Fri., I suppose. In some ways I'd rather just ship it though.

Glad you had fun in Seaside, though I stayed away from there all weekend especially with deck staining finally completed. Looks good though and it needed it badly. Now I'm going to just mow the lawn this afternoon, vacuum the carpet, a beach run tonight, and should be ready to return to the valley tomorrow morning. It's been a good stay down here though.

Except....I hope you didn't go on a f$!king biplane ride....I doubt you could have missed the dumb SOB since I just spotted him down in Seaside when I had lunch w/a friend and quick shopping at Safeway. NOBODY on the ground down here likes the a-hole. Some of us might even have some secret desires that something unfortunate might happen to his precious airborne noise machine. I know that's not cool, but he needs to fly that thing HIGHER and ELSEWHERE FAR, FAR OVER THE OCEAN - PLEASE!

That's my Mon. rant and feels good dammit after listening to that b.s. the past two weekends. Now I guess it's time to get out there and make some racket of my own - though mine only takes 45 mins to an hour - AND DONE!

Have a good one. I'll let you know if I might be in PDX later this week.
Derek

P.S. Just had a good call with a tech firm out of NYC, something may brew there. I need to send him some writing samples and vice versa.

Hi Derek,
Yeah, sure.


Hey,
Looks like we'll try to meet Tues. am....except that I know realize I'm going to have a small white dog along in the car with me that wasn't in the plan when I first came down here. My mom is held up w/my grandma's situation in eastern Montana, so the dog travels with me to my sister's. I'm going to have to figure that one out or some sort of workaround. Good thing there's weekend staining time ahead...

The weather situation seemed to improve, but is now a little foggy again. I did get 1/4 of the deck stained this afternoon though, so the afternoons are getting better. I heard on the radio more sun with some morning and evening fog over the weekend.

There you have it. Have a great weekend and give a call if you decide to make the drive.
Derek

Hi Derek,
Have you tried booze?


I just heard from Jason a few minutes ago and am putting together quick reply right now. He wants to see some writing samples, which I offered, but has a preference for some healthcare (I did long ago but don't have it digital) and tech, which I should be able to come up with a few items in addition to some more recent stuff. I'm just going to provide him a quick heads up that I'll forward a small batch of samples tomorrow.

As for the coast weather, it should be better on Sat. My understanding is that the temps are supposed to cool somewhat in the valley - into the 80s - which means the fog generally doesn't develop here, particularly in Gearhart. Seaside can be another sitch. I'd say watch the Portland forecast and if the temps are too drop in the 80s there on Sat., your odds on the North Coast are good.

Let me know if you decide to day trip. I'll be around, but might be deck staining during the afternoon, but you could at least have a place to base from.

I'll keep you posted. Talk to you soon.
Derek


Dear Derek,
Sometimes heroin isn’t so bad.


Just a heads up that I just followed up with Jason at Speak! I'll let you know if I hear anything from him, and would appreciate it if you could pass along any info you might come across.

Have a good one. I was supposed to start staining the deck about 45 mins ago, but by the time I got all my gear ready for action, the fog moved in again. Looks like tomorrow, but should be fine since it's a one day project - I hope. I need to get back to the valley early next week at least for a short visit.

Talk to you soon.
Derek

Dear Derek,
Sorry about your learning disability.


I might send Jason a quick follow up this afternoon, though I imagine he would get back to me if interested in discussing possibilities. If it's a small shop though as you said, he might be very busy.

Have a good one. It was sunny earlier, but now the fog appears to be moving in again. The deck awaits sooner or later.

Derek

Dear Derek,
This is second or third time I’ve heard about your mom’s deck-staining project. I didn’t care before the first time you wrote about it.


Hey Brian - Hope you had a great Labor Day weekend. I stayed calm and cool at the coast and with the exception of the UO-LSU game Sat. night, it was fairly relaxing. That game just didn't seem as much fun as last year's stream of wins. Looks like I'm also going to be down here through the remainder of the week trying to get the deck stained, so I'll do what I can to recover.

Just wanted to check in if you've heard anything from your friend Jason at Speak!? I sent him a quick note last week just to introduce myself - since he requested you forward his contact info - but haven't heard anything since. I'm not sure if he's buried with work, or has found other options, or is in limbo until a later this fall? Anyway, just wanted to check in if you've heard anything. If not, I might send him another follow up later today or tomorrow unless you note that he's already moved on with another writer or something.

Dear Derek,
I have to go to the bathroom and I’m actually very excited about it.


Hey Brian,
Just checking email quickly before heading out to do some errands. My laptop is in the shop due to an unfortunate coffee spill across the keyboard a couple of weeks ago, so I have to go to the Worksource daily to do my Internet activity. Wish I could say it's the best part of my day/life, but I'll do my best to resist.

Anyway, no decision yet on the SF adventure, though I saw the fare again this morning out of Eugene - which will already be gone by this afternoon. I'll check again while I'm online though...

Definitely try to catch Eddiie Vedder if at all possible. I don't know if you've ever seen Pearl Jam, but caught them up in Seattle at the Key Arena sometime around 2000-01 and it was most memorable. I'd see them, or him solo w/ukulele, again today if the opportunity presented itself.

Enough for now.
Derek


Dear Derek,
Good luck on all that stuff whatever it was.

Hey Brian,
Just following up quickly. It's been a shit week, topped off by spilling coffee across my laptop this morning making the keyboard essentially inoperable. I'm hoping it will dry out by this afternoon, but my instincts tell me otherwi$e.

My mojo has been well less than productive levels, that's for sure. That's a mental thing I just need to battle through, though. Working on it.

Might go to the coast this weekend, might not. For now, it's almost lunch time. We'll see what comes after that.

Later,
Derek

Dear Derek,
Your email put me to sleep, which is weird because I’m on my fourth cup of coffee in 20 minutes.

hey blog!

I'm here!

Doing my laundry!

So many clothes. So many, many fine apparel items. Socks. Shirts. Pants. Underwear. I'm such an amazing dresser. I never have enough room to lay them about while folding them. I need a big table for all my personal laundering duties. I could use the dining room table, I suppose, but there's something funny about putting underwear on the place where you eat. And not funny "ha-ha," but funny "Yucko." Not that my underwear is particularly dirty. In fact it's not, especially after it's been washed. This pair right here is very clean. Why, it even smells clean. Sniff-sniff. Yum. And the cotton feels so soft against my nose. And this pair, too. Why is my neighbor looking at me from the back patio? He's been watching me smelling my underwear this whole time, hasn't he? Damn him.

That's all. I'm just blogging because my blog seemed a bit forlorn. Thank you.

It's a new year, opposed to old

I need a good name for my street gang I'm thinking about forming for 2010. I want the name to sound "bad," as in mean or at least confrontational sounding. I need the right one so potential foes hear it and steer clear of our “turf." No, really. Upon hearing our street-gang name, I want our adversaries to collectively say to themselves: "whoa, man. These dudes are bad ass.”

Wow. It's November!!

Yo, bro, whaddup? It's me awakening from a long autumnal slumber and now I'm here to bid myself and my award-winning bloggedy blog blob a good day. I wish thee a good day, homey brew. Homey brew? What the fuck's that supposed to mean?

Working in the Work-a-Day World

I was asked to compose the holiday greeting card for the large company I don't even work for. This is what I came up with:

"If you live north of the equator, it's cold this time of year!"

I thought about adding something along the lines of "This is a really stupid assignment," but I said fuck it and left it as is. I did a pretty fair to middling job, don't you think? In the end I didn't want to grandstand or make the full-time internal copywriter feel threatened or make her think her job was in jeopardy.

More wildlife in the news!

I can roll with the idea that this made the evening news in Greenville, South Carolina, but what I don't get is why or how the anchor-lady hoots and gushes: "This is the story we've been waiting for all day!"

Oh, God.

Yes, afraid so. She really said that. On TV! In Greenville, South Carolina. Not to spoil the hard-hitting news segment, but the "story" includes a poor traumatized squirrel hopping and falling around with a Yoplait cup stuck on its head. I know. True story! Got it on camera! And in a spontaneous moment of schadenfreude, the anchor team laughs. They're getting a kick out of Greensville litter and an animal in distress. Oh well.



On a different note, there was some really interesting findings at the very end of the piece (via of the cameraman on the scene).

I hope you watched the whole thing, because -- if you heard it -- you would've noticed that the reporting buried the most important part: that is, the cameraman was able to interpret squirrel language. If you paid attention (like me), you would've learned that the squirrel realized it was the recipient of a good deed. After the cameraman allegedly set down his camera and grabbed the squirrel's tail (in a successful rescue), the squirrel shook free the Yoplait cup, scurried away before stopping, turning, looking back, and -- with a nod of her head or whatever -- "said" thank you! See? Just like E.T. Pretty awesome. I should've been a journalism professor or a news director. I know how to get to the real story. The story behind the story. I would've really kicked ass on that story. I would've led this way: "Not only was a man named Kevin -- who also happens to be a WYFF cameraman without any news to cover -- able to understand squirrel communication -- but -- we located a squirrel who demonstrated gratitude!! Unfortunately, we don't have the gratitude-slash-virtue thing on tape, but we have the pre-rescue part of which the squirrel is very appreciative. Let's roll the film, shall we?"

It could've been a great story, after all. It's kind of a scientific breakthrough or something, maybe. Never mind. I really didn't mean to second guess the journalistic integrity of the WYFF news team. Sorry. My bad.

[This post dedicated to Walter Cronkite.]

Protecting my Domain (true story!)

I was awakened by a very large mouse (or bear) at three in the morning. Soon, I was being flanked by the large mammal, which could've easily attacked and overcame me with his incredible razor-sharp incisors which glinted in the moonlight. Although I was only armed with a Swifter rod, I confronted the beast with great bravery and courage -- "hey!!" I yelled, which is when it appeared to begin its attack but knew better: it shucked and jived before darting into the kitchen and hid under the refrigerator (it must've had these incredible weird powers to reduce its size). Because I'm such an advocate for peaceful resolutions, I secured the area and waited under the blind of camo. And although my alertness and strength were being sapped by sleep deprivation and extreme temperatures (it was chilly because I had to leave the door open), you should've seen me! I was a model of self-discipline and patience, much like a Green Beret or a Marine. Or Navy Seal!! It took a while to fulfill my harrowing mission, but apparently the carnivore realized it had no chance for survival because it understood who it was up against (me!). Soon, the crazed night creature ran with incredible fear, certain to never return, at least I hope so. Because next time I see it, it's toast. No second chances, yo. I'll kick it to the curb, take it down hard, pop its ass. Don't come roundz here no mo, bitch.

I knew it: Americans get to marry other species

Someone on TV really said these things.

I heart democracy!

How can we get aggro about Iran's stolen election without mentioning a couple of elections in this country, particularly the ones in 2000 and 2004? My worry -- or maybe it's just a question -- is whether the Iranian people are more serious about democracy than Americans.

Make Your Own Luck!!

I believe in making my own luck. Here's the secret: one cube of butter (or a half-pint of battery acid), a box of dough (whatever kind of dough you want!), and a spoonful of blueberries and/or capers. Dump your mix into a skillet, and plan to heat it up on "low-medium" for ten minutes. You don't have to eat it! It's just a recipe for making your own luck. You should do it. Go ahead, make your own luck. Go for it! Good luck!

Money Saving Tips

Instead of getting a haircut, try large dabs of conditioner! Any conditioner will do. Just slather some into your scalp and it makes your hair look shorter and shinier. You should try it. I did. It gave me a whole new look.

Commencement Talk, Pt II

I was so proud to be sitting in the coliseum last night, waving and cheering for The Heiress, ignoring my dad complaining about the jam band midway through. (They rocked it!) The Heiress did me proud, as did the other 462 Lincoln High grads. It was a really good shew. I've decided commencement ceremonies are pretty alright when they involve your own offspring.

Meantime 3,000 miles away, Eugene Mirman delivered on a promise to offer words of inspiration at his alma mater's graduation in Lexington, Mass. It's David Foster Wallace lite, or economy size, because it was for high schoolers:

Hello, little dragons. Congratulations! You are now free from your 12 years of Knowledge-Prison. Today you begin the next phase of your life — whether it’s college, a job, or a program abroad — where you build a schoolhouse for underprivileged children, while hooking up with each other.

The main difference for you, between life yesterday and life tomorrow, is you can go to the bathroom whenever you want. It’s a pretty big responsibility, but you’ve earned it. A few more things: you can vote, start a family, go to war, even buy a beer. Just kidding, you’re only mature enough to shoot our enemies in the face.

Your parents are proud of you, but they’re nervous — 2009 is very different from when they grew up — most of them still remember exactly where they were when Lincoln was shot.

But here we are today — amidst several wars, with history’s largest deficit, in the worst recession since families gathered around radios to learn about evolution. On behalf of the generations who came before you, we’re really, really sorry. We made some oopsyies.

I won’t lie to you, there is an asteroid heading for the earth and you only have four days to live. I’m sorry, where was I?

Oh yeah, it will be up to you to lead America into the future. And I don’t mean your generation. I mean the 326 of you. You alone must fix the whole world. Tonight — relax, celebrate — have some Manischewitz. Tomorrow, start fixing.

Good news! This is the point in the graduation speech where I tell you a personal anecdote about perseverance and then quote a song. What’s the worst grade you’ve ever gotten? A D? An F? When I was in eighth grade at Diamond Middle School, on a homework assignment, I once got a -8. I did my assignment worse than not doing it. But did I let getting a grade lower than the lowest possible grade stop me? No. I was put into Recourse Room (Special Education) and turned my F into a D.

So, you see, sometimes you can fail, then barely pass, and then become a comedian. Also, I recommend being on television occasionally, because people treat you nicely.

Lastly, some tips for life:

Don’t forget to follow your dreams — unless your dreams are stupid — like eating all the cake in Arlington.

Be kind to people.

Don’t get too excited when you read the Fountainhead.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was “talking dirty.”

Things can kill you. So just keep that in mind, you fearless-know-it-alls.

Good luck with everything and don’t become addicted to heroin, unless you want to be a great songwriter.

And now, as promised, I’ll quote a song. Garden Party by Rick Nelson. It’s about him getting booed off stage at Madison Square Garden in 1971: “It’s all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself lott-in-dah-dah-dah, lot-in-dah-dah-dah.”

She Graduates

Congratulations, Daughter. Your future is bright if you keep pushing your heart, looking outward, and staying unafraid of challenge.

The following is an excerpt from a 2005 Commencement Address (Kenyon College in Ohio). It was delivered by the late author David Foster Wallace. It's good and real and says it like it is.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

This is a standard requirement of commencement speeches, the deployment of didactic little parable-ish stories. The story thing turns out to be one of the better conventions of the tradition, but if you're worried that I plan to present myself here as the wise, older fish explaining what water is to you younger fish, please don't be. I am not the wise old fish. The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance, or so I wish to suggest to you on this dry and lovely morning.

Of course the main requirement of speeches like this is that I'm supposed to talk about your liberal arts education's meaning, to try to explain why the degree you are about to receive has actual human value instead of just a material payoff. So let's talk about the single most pervasive cliché in the commencement speech genre, which is that a liberal arts education is not so much about filling you up with knowledge as it is about "teaching you how to think." If you're like me as a student, you've never liked hearing this, and you tend to feel a bit insulted by the claim that you needed anybody to teach you how to think, since the fact that you even got admitted to a college this good seems like proof that you already know how to think. But I'm going to posit to you that the liberal arts cliché turns out not to be insulting at all, because the really significant education in thinking that we're supposed to get in a place like this isn't really about the capacity to think, but rather about the choice of what to think about.

If your total freedom of choice regarding what to think about seems too obvious to waste time discussing, I'd ask you to think about fish and water, and to bracket for just a few minutes your skepticism about the value of the totally obvious.

Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted," which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

Given the triumphant academic setting here, an obvious question is how much of this work of adjusting our default-setting involves actual knowledge or intellect. This question gets very tricky. Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education -- least in my own case -- is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head (which may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master.

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth.

And I submit that this is what the real, no-bullshit value of an education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.

By way of example, let's say it's an average adult day, and you get up in the morning, go to your challenging, white-collar, college-graduate job, and you work hard for eight or ten hours, and at the end of the day you're tired and somewhat stressed and all you want is to go home and have a good supper and maybe unwind for an hour, and then hit the sack early because, of course, you have to get up the next day and do it all again. But then you remember there's no food at home. You haven't had time to shop this week because of your challenging job, and so now after work you have to get in your car and drive to the supermarket. It's the end of the work day and the traffic is apt to be: very bad. So getting to the store takes way longer than it should, and when you finally get there, the supermarket is very crowded, because of course it's the time of day when all the other people with jobs also try to squeeze in some grocery shopping. And the store is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out; you have to wander all over the huge, over-lit store's confusing aisles to find the stuff you want and you have to maneuver your junky cart through all these other tired, hurried people with carts (et cetera, et cetera, et cetera) and eventually you get all dinner supplies, except now it turns out there aren't enough check-out lanes open even though it's the end-of-the-day rush. So the checkout line is incredibly long, which is stupid and infuriating. But you can't take your frustration out on the frantic lady working the register, who is overworked at a job whose daily tedium and meaninglessness surpasses the imagination of any of us here at a prestigious college.

But anyway, you finally get to the checkout line's front, and you pay for your food, and you get told to "Have a nice day" in a voice that is the absolute voice of death. Then you have to take your creepy, flimsy, plastic bags of groceries in your cart with the one crazy wheel that pulls maddeningly to the left, all the way out through the crowded, bumpy, littery parking lot, and then you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, SUV-intensive, rush-hour traffic, et cetera et cetera.

Everyone here has done this, of course. But it hasn't yet been part of you graduates' actual life routine, day after week after month after year.

Then the dishwasher goes out and the car's oil is past due and needs new tires and the yard is going to hell and your 401(k) is underfunded. But it will be. And many more dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines besides.

But that is not the point. The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it's going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.

Or, of course, if I'm in a more socially conscious liberal arts form of my default setting, I can spend time in the end-of-the-day traffic being disgusted about all the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, forty-gallon tanks of gas, and I can dwell on the fact that the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest most -- [responding here to loud applause]: this is an example of how NOT to think -- disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. And I can think about how our children's children will despise us for wasting all the future's fuel, and probably screwing up the climate, and how spoiled and stupid and selfish and disgusting we all are, and how modern consumer society just sucks, and so forth and so on.

You get the idea.

If I choose to think this way in a store and on the freeway, fine. Lots of us do. Except thinking this way tends to be so easy and automatic that it doesn't have to be a choice.

It is my natural default setting. It's the automatic way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.

The thing is that, of course, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations. In this traffic, all these vehicles stopped and idling in my way, it's not impossible that some of these people in SUV's have been in horrible auto accidents in the past, and now find driving so terrifying that their therapist has all but ordered them to get a huge, heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough to drive. Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.

Or I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.

Again, please don't think that I'm giving you moral advice, or that I'm saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it.

Because it's hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won't be able to do it, or you just flat out won't want to.

But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the DMV, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness.

Of course, we don't know, but it's not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshiping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it Jesus or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Life in Linnton

What Linnton is known for besides moss: slugs. Humungous slugs. No, really. Trust me. They're HUGE.

Dream: cloying perfume causes tooth decay

I dreamt I was getting my morning coffee at a café where exotic dancers unwind after a long night on the pole. As I walked the gauntlet to place my order, I was struck by what could only be described as poor dental hygiene. Either the dancers had stubborn blueberry/coffee stains between their incisors or visible signs of gingivitis. Some had both.

My Favorite People

Say you could list your favorite ten types of people. Without really thinking about it too much, here are mine:
1. Girls who wear dresses on bikes
2. People on my bus
3. Civil War re-enactors
4. Smiling people who work at fast food restaurants or Safeway
5. People who can't remember any movies they've seen
6. Painters who aren't very good yet
7. Mousy nerdy people who like to party
8. People grateful to meet or see me
9. Christians wandering around places like Pakistan
10. Physicists even though I don't know any

My Current Status

I'm wearing my favorite undies today. Actually, I wear my favorite undies everyday. Not the same ones, of course. Actually, I'm very fortunate and blessed because I like all my undies. My undies rock. They're boxers. Wait a minute; I should clarify. My undies rock only when they're clean. Soiled undies belong in the hamper. Unsoiled undies are best (my opinion!). Today -- like most days -- I'm wearing clean and comfortable undies. I should post that on my Facebook status, don't you think? And tweet it. Fer sherz. I'm so good at all this social media, it's downright scary.

How did she get my email?

I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out who Krystal Thacker is and why her subject header says: Bigger, Harder, Longer. The only thing I can think of is the girl at ACE Hardware who was helping me decide on the right set of drillbits.

Protecting & Serving & Frying Food

I meant to blog today, but then I lost track of time, and next thing I knew, I was searching YouTube for beatboxers and working up an appetite on www.whyyourefat.com and checking my Facebook status and -- as you can imagine -- I hadn't found the time to blog. My life is very busy with all the stuff I need to watch on my DVR and all the fried food I plan to prepare in my deep-fat fryer and all the people I need to stalk . . . and then there's the swine flu pandemic coming our way, which I'm hoping ignore. So, yeah, I'm busy. Damn straight. Add, also, that I'm an artiste with a novel to write as well as all my commitments (and deadlines) I need to fulfill as a prominent in-demand professional blogger for a real-life actual blog. You might think you have a right to get all emo on me for not blogging sooner, but actually I don't think you do. Maybe, though. Not sure.

Cleveland has a good energy

I'm not one to find any amusement in swear words and I'm not one to take delight in other people's misery (i.e., unemployment, pay-phone usage, drifting, people's decisions to have a mullet, etc.), but I do have a great appreciation for some of America's great cities.

Damn straight I'm a professional blogger

Damn, I'm good. I've reached such grand heights with my blogging and social media endeavors that the designer I work with told me I needed to blog in order to pull my weight. Step up. With the economy all in flux, it's time I do my part and help keep the plant afloat. And there's no better person than myself to create a vast following of prospective customers. My goal is to spread the value of our service-and-product offerings. With my kind of chops, I should be able to spread value like the plague in no time. Look out world: our service-and-product offerings will get you big time.

Long story short: I came to the rescue, which means I've started a new blog and have become the voice of our humble value factory. Damn. I'm so awesome. Anywho, my new blog is about a very sexy topic and extremely alluring subject matter. It has such widespread appeal and potential, I wish I'd thought of it myself, but I can't take credit. Without further ado, my new blog is about the goings-on of Environmental Health & Safety Professionals. Even though The Matriarch smirked at me when she saw my excitement and passion to make a difference, my new blog is destined to prove all the skeptics wrong. It will sizzle and sparkle and dance around a pole. Men will weep. Women will cover the eyes of their children and hold them close. Let my designer friends refer to me as The Thousand Faces of Ignatius, but you know what? This is going to be the real me and I'm being true to myself. I heart safety! The best part is that I'm about to evolve a fair-to-middling family-owned business into a major-ass enterprise destined to transform the face of at-risk behaviors. Besides talking about how awesome we are, I plan to provide compelling successes of sitting up (not slouching) while I blog and how I make (and drink) coffee without scalding (or electrocuting) myself. I also plan to explain how one of our safety consultants got his Ph.D. from one of the premier institutions of online distance learning.

Explaining a Good Day of Crafting

Below is some gold from Peter Rock, Portland author of The Bewildered, The Ambidextrist, This is the Place, and the new novel My Abandonment inspired by the father and daughter who lived in Forest Park for a few years. In Forest Park, not Forest Heights.

A good writing day is any day where a piece of the clock is given over to the invisible people. In the past I was spoiled, and often had hours and hours to write; now the writing often happens when I wake up and can't sleep at two in the morning, or at five, before my daughter wakes up, or fifteen minutes on the bus, or half an hour pretending I'm not in my office with all the ways the visible people can reach me turned off, shut down, disconnected.

I want to believe and to travel. Sometimes a good writing day is an hour of madly scribbling, vistas opening up ahead and inside, landscapes and synapses of some person rushing at me, and the whole rest of my waking day I carry that like a charm, knowing there's more and that I've been in touch with the invisible again; sometimes a good writing day is ten minutes of crossing out a paragraph, or adding a comma; sometimes a good writing day is half an hour of daydreaming with not a word to show for it.

There are no bad writing days; even those that seem the worst are leading us onward, only in ways that were not expected, perhaps slower than we believed we desired.

What could be better than that?

He strung together a lot of awesome words and made their sum so beautiful and artistic and inspiring and mostly true for me as well, but a really good writing day is a certain feeling of knowing my story and my people are headed somewhere -- to somewhere I can't wait to discover. Sounds corny, I know, but I'm no Peter Rock either. Besides, my good crafting days haven't been happening too much lately. I've been experiencing less synapses and more "crossing out paragraphs." Or just staring at them.

Future President of the World

A really good speech and excellent example for Toast Masters everywhere. In 1992 in Rio de Janeiro, 12-year-old Severn Cullis-Suzuki of Vancouver B.C. closed a Plenary Session at the UN's Earth Summit. If you're not moved by her words and their delivery, you're dead.

Career Choices

I probably should've pursued a fall-back plan in one of these job areas:
1. Abandoned/Foreclosed House Housecleaner or Sign Painter/Planter
2. Grief Counselor
3. Undertaker
4. Movie Star
5. American Idol judge
6. Facebook Guy
7. IRS employee-at-large
8. Drug Lord
9. Network News Anchor
10. Bachelor Contestant

Facebook Chain Letter

If you're reading this, you have to automatically cut and paste the questions into your Facebook Notes page and start answering them. Then tag hundreds of your Facebookies. Do it. If you do it, I think you'll automatically get seven years of uninterrupted employment. If you break the chain, something unsavory might happen. I'm not sure. Good luck!

YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED TO ANSWER ONE MORE SERIES OF STUPID QUESTIONS
1. IF YOU HAD OCTOPULETS, HOW MANY WOULD YOU KEEP?
2. WHAT IS IDAHO'S REAL NAME?
3. WHAT TYPE OF CURRENCY DO YOU UNDERSTAND BETTER: BEAUTY OR DOLLARS?
4. DO YOU LIKE HIPPIES?
5. DESCRIBE DALLAS, TEXAS.
6. WHAT KIND OF HATS ARE GOOD?
7. DID YOU VOTE FOR WALTER MONDALE, MICHEAL DUKAKAS OR PAUL TSONGAS?
8. WOULD YOU HAVE BILL O'REILLY OVER FOR DINNER IF SOMEONE PAID YOU?
9. DO YOU WASH YOUR HANDS WELL ENOUGH WHEN PREPARING MEALS FOR GUESTS?
10. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CURMUDGEON?
11. WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF AN INTERNATIONAL "SHROOM DAY," WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERN FOR PUBLIC SAFETY OR SUPPLY?
12. PENCIL LEAD OR PINK ERASER?
13. NEIL YOUNG?
14. IS BEYONCÉ PART OF SOME SORT OF STIMULUS PACKAGE OR WHAT?
15. PICK A 20TH CENTURY DECADE TO BE 24 YEARS OLD INDEFINITELY.
16. IF YOU COULD RENAME FACEBOOK, WOULD YOU CALL IT SUCKYFACE OR FACE-ON-YOU OR ...?
17. WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO LIVE IN OKLAHOMAH? WHAT ABOUT OKLAHOMA?
18. HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED ADAM 12, THE HIGHLY UNDERRATED POLICE SHOW?
19. WHO IS WAY COOL?
20. WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A BLOCKBUSTER MAJOR MOTION PICTURE?
21. WHICH FAMOUS PERSON WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS? (DON'T SAY McGUYVER BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID.)
22. DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW HOW MUCH OF A WASTE OF TIME FACEBOOK IS?
23. HAVE YOU PRETENDED TO BE A SUPERMODEL? YOU HAVEN'T?
24. ARE YOU A STALKER?
25. WHEN PEOPLE SAY "THIS CITY IS TOO LIBERAL," WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
26. SHOULD ALIENS FROM DISTANT GALAXIES BLEND IN, BE CUTE, BE SCARY AS HELL, OR LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH?
27. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE DO YOU LIKE?
28. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
29. I NEED COFFEE.

Melikes my mayor

As long as Sam Adams doesn't want to date us, we've got an excellent mayor. I can't decide what's worse: the witch hunt or Sam's lie.

On a Roll!

I'm psyched. We have a new president, one with all those characteristics and brains I associate with great leaders. I get a sense he truly understands. He absorbs. He's creative. He thinks. He unites. He makes sense when he speaks. He has a genuine spirit. His ego seems fully evolved. He seems cool under pressure.

The inaugural address he delivered yesterday felt as if it were cut with a diamond. Pure and resonant. I witnessed more than the transfer of power. I felt a rebirth of our national spirit.

As far as my Great American Work of Fiction goes, thanks for asking. For two weeks straight, I've been rewriting the first two paragraphs nonstop. Yes, I've been pretty productive for the last 300 hours. Not quite on a roll, but ... well, you know. I'm going for it, giving it my all. I should have my new novel in the can about the same time Malia or Sasha -- either one -- makes a bid for president in 2032.

Twitter is VERY useful

When I first learned about Twitter a year ago, I was somewhat critical of its utility. Now I'm convinced of its many practical uses:

1. Locating friends at a convention.

2. Letting friends know how bored you are in the convention panel you're attending.

3. Making sure total strangers understand how important social plans/Hollywood meetings are.

4. Asking questions about new iPhone apps.

5. Answering questions about new iPhone apps.

6. Exhibiting pith and wit.

7. Telling people you're "friends" with someone they might know.

8. Letting people know you're prone to distractions.

9. Saving awesome independently owned bookstores.

Staying Upbeat for '09!

The holidays are over. Whoop-dee-doo. Holidays/Schmolidays is what I say. I'm working hard at not suffering from post-holiday acedia. Acedia is my rediscovered word. I was reminded of acedia while watching a TV special on the Seven Deadly Sins. Acedia is a beautiful word for being depressed and blue and apathetic and denial that anything's wrong. Whatever. I'm funk-proof, really, which probabably has lots to do with all the junk food I've been eating non-stop. I've basically been consuming all my funk away while watching television for hours on end and not working on my great american work of fiction. If you're looking for secrets to procrastination and denial, I totally have the answer.