Call me Reverend

I was ordained yesterday by the monastary of The Universal Life Church, and I already have two weddings lined up. No, really. I'm nervous. I need to figure out the types of questions I need to ask the young couples to make sure they're ready and get them all pumped up. Marriage is a big responsibility, of course, which means a lot of things to a lot of people. Anywho, it's my duty to bless and unite forever. So far, I think I'll ask these questions:

"Are you serious or are you going to get divorced or what?"

"Where do I plug in my fog machine?"

"Where do you plan to spend holidays?"

"Can I black out these windows?"

"Where do I put my scythe?"

"Have you seen the movie, Rosemary's Baby? What about Kramer vs. Kramer?"

"Do you have an area where you can leave during the ceremony in case, you know, you need to do it?"

"Do you have a space large enough to accommodate a dunking booth?"

"Are you more pro Guns n Roses or pro Led Zeppelin?"

"Are you ready to take it to the next level?"

More potential for Rejection!!

Hi Dan,
... I have read your synopsis and would like to see more. Normally I would order a few chapters, but seeing Very Important Person says your book is well worth looking at I'm going to have you send the complete MS via an email attachment to an email message to me. I'm a little jammed up right now and have a couple of other books to read, but I'll definitely get to your novel as quickly as possible. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to take a look at your work. It definitely sounds interesting.
Best,
Bajooney Bullwhipple

I now carry a cell phone device

It's an end of an era. I can now text. I have a charger. I can call home while driving and say, "I'm on my way home!"

And no longer do I need to explain to anyone that I'm not very communicado.

I now give me the nine-year evolution of the reactions I've received when forced to explain I don't have a personal hot device.

1999: Solidarity ("Yeah, me neither -- I hate those things!")

2000: Indifference ("Okay, what's your home phone number then?")

2001: Encouragement ("You should get one -- they're coming down in price.")

2002: Confusion ("I thought you, like, worked for a software company.")

2003: Sympathy ("They're getting cheaper. You'll be able to afford one soon.")

2004: Irritation ("How am I supposed to reach you? Never mind. Forget it.")

2005: Scorn ("Is there a particular payphone you like?")

2006: Skepticism* ("You're serious. Really?")

2007: Disbelief ("Wow.")

2008: Incomprehension ("You don't ... how ...?")

[*] Or maybe it was disdain.

I had his name wrong, but stalked anyway

I recognized this guy after getting off a plane in SFO. I think I caught him off guard. Our conversation went like this:

Me: "Hey, are you . . . are you Steve Guterson?"

Mr. Guterson [looks up from whatever he was reading while sitting on a bench and nods and sort of smiles]: "Yeah. Uh, David."

Me: "Oh, of course. David. Well. I've read two of your books and I understand you have a new one out . . ." [Something like that.]

Mr. Guterson: [Kind of nods, smiles again.]

Me: "You're amazing at what you do ... I didn't mean to intrude. I'll just let you . . . I'll mind my own business now . . ."

And that was that. I want to believe my ability to recognize him was so shockingly unexpected that he simply didn't know what to say. I probably intimidated the hell out of the world-class author, which is understandable. I'm very intimidating by nature. (I am deceivingly strikingly handsome and well dressed and my muscular arms are covered in black tattoo art gone awry.) But what did I learn about my moment of unexpected stalkerazzi? I learned he was more nerdy and brainy-sounding than I expected. And that I'll never mistake him for a Steve.

Mid-year Resolution

Top 25 Things I'm Going to Try to Keep an Open Mind About, but will Probably Fail.

Show you the money
Wake up and smell the coffee
Want a piece of you
Sit on it
Keep it real
Wang Chung tonight
Get all up in your grill
Think outside the box
Be there (and/or be square)
Talk to the hand
Take it up a notch
Kiss your grits
Get jiggy wid it
Catch you on the flipside
Open up a can of whoop-ass
Gag you with a spoon
Go girl
Keep on truckin'
Get with the program
Eat your shorts
Take it easy
Give mad props
Bring it (on)
Man up
Touch base
Quiero Taco Bell (I have no idea what this means)
Not go there

Yeah, some are less annoying than others. Some are just plain retro-cool. My personal favorite that I will never stop using is Get with the Program. It's really best when I yell it really loud. I will never stop trying to get with the program or asking others to do the same. It's in my nature. In fact, today I've decided I am going to ask people to get with the program every time I greet someone new. For instance:

Gas station attendant: "May I help you, sir?"

Me: "GET WITH THE PROGRAM!"

I kept an open mind, I really truly did

A novel called The Shack by William P. Young was highly recommended to me by three people, one of whom I admire a lot. Actually, a fourth person said it was "gripping." And you know what? It's far worse than I quietly suspected. The first 150 pages have all the nuance and artistic soul of a Thomas Kinkade painting. It reads as if written by a committee of technical writers.

My theory, actually, is that it was originally meant for fifth and sixth graders, but the people promoting its online sales have shrugged and realized there're adult Christians who will buy uninteresting and uninspired fiction about the lord.

It's fewer than 300 pages, and yet I'm still only two-thirds from getting through it. My mind wanders a bit. The upshot is that it's one long After School Special episode of "Touched by an Angel," where Della Reese is God, and the main protag named Mack grows increasingly stupid. It's just plain weird. I don't want to hurt any Christian people's feelings, but come on. I'm trying to be kind here. It's a stupid novel. Here's some of its poetry:

"A knock at the door startled Mack from his concentration, and he could see that it was Willie. Their conversation must have been sufficiently perplexing to warrant an early visit. Mack was just relieved that Nan had already left."

No wonder the writer(s) couldn't find a publisher. Of course, it's now taking the "Christian community" -- whatever that means -- by storm. Bloggers are now bickering about its theology, which is even more bizarre. I'm having a hard enough time getting past the lack of tension, contrived conflict, stilted language, POV lapses, and uneven prose ... in sum, I've become completely detached and uninterested in comparing my personal beliefs with someone else's.