When on the road, I tend to get lost and not look at maps. It's a problem I have. When it's time to check my bags with inspectors with white shirts and badges, I'm old school.
And just because I'm a morning person doesn't mean I remember to empty out my pockets just before I get to walk through the gray radioactive detector device. My palms begin to sweat and next thing I know, I've forgotten to take out my laptop and separate out my gels, liquids and lotions that accompany my travels.
Anywho, I wasn't doing a good job in the eyes of Homeland Security or all the men and women wearing important business suits -- visitors, obviously. And I think I really began to stand out after I sent my boarding pass through the x-ray conveyor belt machine.
That's when the man behind the security apparatus and gray tubs looked at me and said: "Sir, you're going to get the full treatment this morning."
That's what he said. Full treatment. I was psyched. But then he asked me to follow him around a taped-off corner as he snapped on a pair of Latex gloves.
It didn't take long to realize that I was going to be made an example of. The Homeland Security Inspector General asked if I had any sharp instruments or weapons. He opened my Smuggler™ suitcase and told me not to make any sudden movements or reach into the suitcase. That's what he said. You think I'm making this up, but I'm not.
"No, sir," I said. "No weapons." I said it loud enough for the hundreds of passing travelers heading for Concourse D, E and F not to worry.
The Homeland Security Inspector General didn't really care what I said because he went right for my tube of toothpaste. "See this?" He held it up. "This exceeds the amount of liquid substance per container."
I looked at the pink and blue Crest tube in his hand and was actually impressed by how well My Lady rolled it up for me. It had one of those tight-tight curls on the end so all the good stuff was motion forward, pushed to the cap. I won't bore you, but my Crest tube never looked so good.
I wish I had an ending, but I don't. The man swabbed everything but my person with what looked like a long wand/scraper with a disposable spongey pad attached.
Now I'm sitting here in a hotel room without any toothpaste. And so far, there isn't much to say about York, Pa., other than what the rental car agent said after he asked where I was headed. I told him I was driving to York and he said: "Oh, good. For a second I thought you said 'York.'"
