Not much to like about emoticons

I've tried for about ten years to find something appealing about symbols and various bits of punctuation like colons and semi-colons to make stupid smiley faces or winking faces or "just kidding" faces or "stop stalking me" gestures, but I've given up. Maybe it's like how I feel whenever I try on a leather jacket at the store: some things just don't feel or look right on me. Leather jackets -- like emoticons -- make me feel self-conscious and a little ridiculous every time I see myself with one. I cringe or wince, and my sphincter might even tighten a bit. Maybe it's because I'm so fiercely ambitious and focused in life, but I always feel like my emoticons are telling me in their tiny li'l ironic voices that everything that came before needs to be re-evaluated and rewritten. My emoticons aren't very subtle. They tend to scream at me: "EDIT, DUMB ASS!" or "DO THE F OVER, BITCH!" Anywho, I don't even like the word emoticon. What a stupid word. I cringed even typing it just now. F-you, emoticon. You suck, emoticon.