Do you think Walter Scott, 62, will ever retire from writing his weekly Walter Scott's Personality Parade? I hope he does. Because when he does, I'm getting ready to throw my hat into the ring as the new Walter Scott. It would seem like a pretty awesome job, answering mail, getting to know about all the unimportant news people are thinking about. I've been practicing big-time for when he's ready to step aside. It's kind of embarrassing, I know, but because it's Oscar Night, I've decided to post my practice examples. Don't make fun, okay? It's not easy trying to be Walter Scott or a hard-hitting investigative journalist. He's like a machine if you ask me, delivering the goods, cutting to the heart of important celebrity and entertainment news. He knows everything, I swear. He makes it look easy, but it's clearly not. You'll see.
Q. Is this Oscar night going to include plunging necklines?
—Jim McGee, McKinney, Tex.
Yes, Jim, you can count on it. I don't suspect you'll see very many turtlenecks.
Q. When Johnny Depp put his hands in cement at Grauman's Chinese Theatre, he wore a wrist band. Any significance?
—Paula L., Palm City, Fla.
No. No significance, Paula. You can stop wondering about Johnny Depp's wrist band. At the end of the day, I think it's really unimportant; however, Johnny Depp's agent tells me the wrist band in question is inscribed with "I luv Paula L. of Palm City, Fla." Word is that he has other wrist bands he wears for other celebrity gatherings, which say "Paula L. 4Ever," "Paula L. is Hott," and "Paula L. is #1."
Q. Star Jones is a shadow of her former big-and-beautiful self. How much weight has she lost?
—Harriet S., Miami, Fla.
Jones, 43, lost a lot of weight. I'd say she lost anywhere from 100 to 200 pounds. Does that help? I hope it does because it's kind of a lame question. All you need to do is look at before-and-after pictures and go, "Yeah, Star Jones lost a lot of weight."
Q. Bette Midler did tribute albums to Peggy Lee and Rosemary Clooney. Does she plan any more?
—Martha Jennings, Ridgefield, Conn.
God, I hope not.
Q. I think Elizabeth Vargas is fine, fine, fine.
Dan O'Brien, Portland, Ore.
Oh man. Now we're talking. You got that right. I realize you're not really asking a question, but I totally agree with you. She's downright hott, Dan. I just love it when she gives me the news, don't you? For a half-hour every evening, I'm able to shed all my troubles and feel pretty special while pretending to listen to everything she says about the world we live in today. We should start a fan club, Dan, you and me. That would be pretty awesome.
Q. Why is the burial site of L. Ron Hubbard founder of the Church of Scientology so secret?
—Howard Needham, Needles, Calif.
I'm pretty sure it's because the Church of Scientology likes to keep things secret.
Q. Should we end the embargo with Cuba?
—Darrell Page, White Fish, Mont.
Yes. Definitely. There are no coherent arguments for why a country as powerful as the U.S. should bully a nation as small and poor as Cuba. And in case no one noticed, the General Assembly of the United Nations has overwhelmingly voted for an end to the U.S. trade sanctions with Cuba for like 15 years. What the fuck? Although this is a good question, I think you're supposed to ask me more celebrity life-style concerns. If you're into Cuba, for instance, you could ask me if Gloria Estafan has a chance of replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol or something.
Q. My husband has been suffering from bad feet fungus and occasional warts. I tried a vinegar solution, but it didn't help. Should I leave him?
—Kimberly Cooke, Middleton, Conn.
Again, you should stick to celebrity life-style obsessions. Besides, I'm only getting your side of the story, Mary, and that concerns me. I think I'd need to see your husband's feet to make a judgment on this.
Q. What does Academy Award winner Cate Blanchett eat for breakfast?
—Torsten Daly, Corncobby, Iowa
Chocolate doughnuts and Honey Nut Cheerios.
