The Portland Trailblazers will be looking for a new General Manager to hire. I don't know when, but The Man Paul Allen just fired Steve Patterson. Damn. He probably wasn't performing, I suppose. It's all about the W column in my book. If you can't rack up the W's, you're not going to make it at the big show. That's what I say. At the end of the day, you've got to get the right man on the bus. If you don't win your division, you've got to make sure Paul Allen is on your side. And the local media and crazy fans like you. You might have to do special favors, like hook up players with the dank or post bail. If you don't do all that, you could be toast. My guess is that Steve Patterson wasn't enforcing the dress code. He got lax. Maybe he didn't show up to a few of the games when he said he would. I don't know. I doubt he called Nate McMillan a loser or anything. Who knows? It could've been as simple as not sticking with the fourth quarter. Hmm. Everyone knows you have to stay to see your team through to the very end . . . even if it means getting the shit kicked out of you. That's like job #1: Watch your team get the shit knocked out of it.
The thing everyone needs to remember about sports and life itself: you're only as strong as your weakest link. Anywho, I might submit my resume. I haven't decided yet. I'm sure I'd be up to the task. I'd be a fair to middling link, but definitely not the weakest.
First thing I'd tell the hiring panel: I'd draft, trade and negotiate my ass off. When it comes to player personnel, I'm a shrewd negotiator. Winning is #1. And teamwork. "There's no I in Team," I'd say.
Second thing I'd do is hire Elizabeth Vargas as Voice of the Blazers. She'd be awesome. As far as I can tell, Portland would be home to the first female NBA-franchise play-by-play broadcaster. Elizabeth Vargas would be Portland's new Bill Schonely, beloved by all! Obviously, she'd be the hottest, most unflappable, and unbiased play-by-play announcer in all the land. She'd rock. She'd totally bring back the fan base. Portland would love its team again and you'd attribute it to my leadership and vision to bring Elizabeth Vargas to Rip City USA.
Third thing on my turnaround and must-do list: hold coffee klatches every morning with all the local sports writers and reporters and Elizabeth Vargas. It would be like The View. Me and Elizabeth Vargas would tag-team as Barbara Walters. And because columnist John Canzano is a man of principle and truth, he would be Rosie. I don't know who would be Elizabeth Hasselbeck, unless it would be The Man Paul Allen himself. I'd also invite Joe Becker, and Makeup Lady, for sure. I'd bring everyone doughnuts. We'd sit around watching around-the-league highlights on a jigh-normous HDTV flat panel and start our own March Madness pool. On special occasions, I'd bring my Pete Maravich Topps rookie card. Afterwards, we could all hang at the practice facility and shoot hoops, grab a few practice jerseys, and get Lamarcus and Martell autographs.
Being G.M. would be pretty alright. Good seats and awesome parking. Probably get to drink Diet Cokes with the Blazers Dancers and what not. I think I'm up to the task. Paul Allen wouldn't have to bankroll any moving expenses. That's a huge plus.
I'd definitely let the panel know I played some ball back in the day. I used to fire the rock, big time. I could drive left actually, which was pretty awesome. I was deceptively not bad. I'd surprise a few people, taking it to the hoop. Even my dad.
First, I need to freshen up my wardrobe, which needs some freshening up a bit. Well, everyone . . . wish me luck. See you at center court!
