Happy St. Valentine's Day, Internet!!! Notice I attributed this annual day of love and romance to a Latin-Rite feast day? Did you notice, because that’s what I did. I attributed Feb. 14 to an old saint who got lost in a billion dollar orgy of candies, flowers, stupid cards and red hats. Did I say red hats? I meant red hearts. I love St. Valentine’s Day because it reminds me of St. Patrick’s Day. I dress up for St. Valentine’s Day. I wear a diaper so I won’t have to go to the bathroom all day to prove my devotion.
I sure hope everyone on the Internet is telling someone on the Internet how much they love a special someone. That's what Saint Valentine would've wanted. And he definitely wouldn't have minded if two gay people said that to each other, “Will U Marry Me?” In fact, Saint Valentine came to me in a dream this morning and said: "What's all this noise about gay marriages and shit? That ain't no real issue. Sheez, man. Deal with all that serious shit going down in Mesopotamia first, then decide who to discriminate against. Holy moley. I'm going back to the ether and clouds and cupid's love shack. Later, dude."
That's what Saint Valentine said to me, except I made up his accent. I made him talk all street for dramatic effect. Not bad, I know. I’m good at accents. I’ll see everyone tomorrow. I luv you.
